Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Somtimes Shedding a Few Tears is What Renews My Strength

I sit in the living room after sharing news with my mom about an interview my hubby recently had, tears are streaming down my face. I fell apart mid sentence while trying to tell her that although he GOT the job, it is about half of what he was currently making when I started crying and yelling like a blubbering idiot. (During the interview Jason had been told it was within $7-$3 of his last pay.) As the tears turned into sobs, I felt myself unwinding faster than I could think over what I was spewing out of my mouth. My mom does not let me fall too far in my pity party, she screams back at me that I cannot fall apart, I cannot give up, I have to stay strong for our children, for my family, for myself. Honestly, in that moment nothing mattered, all I wanted was for all of the pain and recent frustrations to go away. I did not want to feel and I did not want to have any responsibilities. I am telling you total crazy moment right there. My mom did not let me get a word in edge wise as she recited to me all of the things we have to be grateful for. As I patiently listened to her and reminded myself over and over that she was right, as she is always right, I could not believe that she was even capable of being there for me. Her husband passed away just over a month ago, she is alone, she is mourning, and yet she has the capacity to be there for me. But that is what us mom's do. A friend of mine was sharing with me that another mom had told her she could not believe I was able to do this and that and the other so soon after my father passing away. I laughed and said many of you say I am strong, but I am not out of the ordinary, this is just what a mother does. I am pretty sure she kinda sorta laughed me off. But, see friend it is true!!! Another friend came over for a tad today. Her father passed away just over a week ago and she is feeling that numbness that comes after a loved one passes. She was sharing with me that she wanted to cry at the drop of a pin like her mother, brother, and husband were. "It is being a mom," I tell her, "We have kids whom consume us all day, by the time they are sleeping, we are too tired to grieve properly." I am learning that keeping busy has prolonged what I envisioned my process would be. I thought I would be a basket case and I even think I thought one needed to be to properly grieve. I guarantee you, being a basket case is not needed to grieve and it does not feel so hot. So, I think I will hop back on the train to normalcy right now. I shared with my friend that I too felt very numb in the beginning and it was not until just a few days ago when I began to really feel an emptiness, a void, that no one can fill, because he (my father) is not coming back. While tears continue to fall down my face, I know a half and hour later that my tears are not ALL about "perfect" employment hopes, but hopes being diminished in the grand scheme of our lives. A father passing is a grand scheme and the grieving process is an unavoidable part of that scheme. My husband will be gainfully employed sooner than later and right now this will be sufficient. It is true, we have A LOT to be grateful for, we have a roof over our heads, we have four healthy children, we are healthy, we have full cupboards, we have family that will not allow us to fall too hard, and my hubby has a JOB. He is employed and right now that is a blessing. Of course I want to be strong for my children, for my family, for myself, most of the time I am. But, once in awhile my pity rears it's ugly head and tears stream down my face, and I am unable to get hold of myself till I lay my head upon my pillow, where the still darkness brings peace over me and I am able to see the beauty in this journey after all. And this is when I know I will be waking up to better tomorrow. P.S. Hey friend I guess it is a bit of strength. But, I must say all us momma's have it in us. xoxoxo

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