I lay on my back day after day staring at the dark grey looming over our heads in hopes of finding at least a single ray of sunshine. My heart tells me we will see brighter days, others tell me so, but I am losing hope, hope for that single ray, hope for brighter days, it feels as though the grey is engulfing me to later spit me out in a shower of hail. Maybe than will I wake up and this all have been part of a very bad dream. Our lives have been blessed with overcoming all of the mishaps thus far. I yearn to walk away from this and tuck it away as another chapter we overcame.
The very small company my husband worked for is closing until further notice. He will have a few hours sporadically until the last two jobs are completed. He has applied for nearly 65 jobs and here we sit.
The rhythm of our days is sporadic just like our income, we still smile, we still love, we still live, but there is a a dimness that is settling deeper and deeper. Emotions are full and fragile, they have become entangled in an ugly mess.
Time will tell where our journey is leading us to. I am finding the most painful part of this to be, my father cannot lend me a gentle hug or more simply a listening ear. I feel lost, confused, and most frustrated with feelings of not being able to provide for our 4 beautiful children.
Day in and day out I scour resources, as we have a responsibility to keep on truckin'. I am not one to easily give up, I do not like to be defeated, and I do not like the word, "No!". Although my ego is dinged and battered, it can still take more bruising, it will forever be intact and fight. I will raise to the occasion, even though it is not the most magnificent of them. I will gain composure and I will raise above the very thick grey fog we are overwhelmed by right now. I will shed many more tears, spout many more frustrated words, and need more tender loving care along the way, but we will indeed make it....