Wednesday, December 29, 2010
What I Want To Be, Should Be, and Am Acutally Doing
I do believe to be somewhere in the middle of where I would like to be, what I should be, and what I am actually doing. One does need sleep and well I fell asleep putting the kiddos to bed tonight. That kind of hard sleep where you drool all over yourself and you wake 20 minutes later wondering where you are. Tonight was one heck of a sleep stupor, which must mean I am very, very, very tired. (Probably should be sleeping) But, I am wide awake typing in this little place (What I am actually doing) because I decided to brush my teeth and wash my face before heading to a proper place to sleep (I had fallen asleep on the couch while reading). When I went to bed, I lay there for close to a half hour thinking much to intently about our lives over the past couple of years, when I decided to head downstairs and join my hubby whom is still staking claim to the hallway. (What I want to be doing. But honestly what I really want to be doing is knitting or reading.) I guess I should have inserted another what I should be doings in there pertaining to the painting.
I hope you will excuse me for a second as we have a cat with a few green paws running through the house. You once white kitten is now a tad green and we have a green fly roaming the confines of home. Too bad it is not St. Patricks Day.
Anyway, as soon as we prepared a brush and bowl full of paint for me, Zari woke and ta da! Here I sit and there Jason paints.
It has been wonderful having Jason home, and it would be even more wonderful if we could possibly come with a plan and put it into action to have him home all of the time. However, as grand as this would be, it is not at the top of our priority list right now.
We are working on living intentionally and with purpose all of the time. In this moment our most current wants are making this home a "happier" place, bringing rhythm into our daily lives, and being the superb roll models for our children. Raising a family is most definitely the most difficult thing I have done thus far in life. There are no manuals, nor pamphlets, and I cannot think of one single thing that could of prepared me for the goods and the not so goods of this job (wife and mother).
So here is where I want to be without a doubt, a wife and mother to 4 littles. After close to 9 years I feel deep in my bones that Jason and I are finally on track to what we should be doing. What we are doing lies somewhere in between all of that and a bit more, as it is real life. We are people with faults, we make mistakes, we learn, we move on, and hopefully do not continue to make the same mistakes. We have 4 children that need us sometimes when we may not want to be needed, but we do our best to stop and give them a bit of what they need, sometimes forgoing what we should be doing. And than there is just life and taking what it throws at you. Life is unexpected and we are learning to accept what comes our way, deal with it, and than begin moving forward again.
-What I Want to Be Doing: allowing our days to flow without restraint as we have no classes or obligations, knitting, giving the kids each a bit of time doing something they choose, saying yes more than no, painting the hallway, staying focused on the present and allowing myself to do more fun than chores, eating up all the good life is offering us right now, staying present, and being grateful.
-What I Should Be Doing: Sorting out our "paper trails", cleaning the house, getting the two broken down cars diagnosed, catching up on sleep, preparing for the return of life next week, hanging with the kiddos, eating up all the good life has to offer, staying present and grateful for all that we have.
-What I Am Doing: I am allowing our days to flow, Coral and I are knitting together (LOVE), I have given the kiddos a bit of undivided attention, I have dabbled in painting the hallway, staying more focused on the present than usual (having no classes and time obligations really helps with this), eating up all the good life has to offer is allowing me to put much of the should be doings on the back burner.
I am fully aware that life is much more complex than this!!! This is just a glimpse of the wants, shoulds, and actualities over here.
So, are we perfect NO!!! Not at all, just a few humbled folks that are still trekking this thing called life.
I sign off in hopes of laying this sweet gal down and joining my painting hubby.