Thursday, November 4, 2010
I Answered the Door Not a Minute too Early or Late
Are you familiar with that feeling that sneaks up on you, but you want it to go away? It comes from a deep place within you, a place that NEVER lies. I had such a feeling visit me a few weeks ago while out for an afternoon with my dad. I kissed him good bye and began our drive home. The whole drive I felt that feeling creeping up on me, kinda knocking on my door. But, I gotta be honest, I was not answering the door. I ended up hearing that familiar knock frequently throughout the following two weeks.
Every now and than I would ask my mom, "Hey, what is up with dad, he sure is not being himself? Is everything ok? I am really concerned about him, he has mentioned he does not feel good and he is really tired." She would answer, "All is well, he is a bit off, but you know he has had this happen a few times before and he always rallies back". "I am going to give him a few more days", was our last conversation.
Than the door pretty much came a knocking down. BOOM, BOOM, BOOM! Oh yeah, I was still not going to answer it. My mom called to let me know they had been at the Emergency Room all afternoon because my dad's blood pressure was really low and he was currently having a CT Scan.
Our next conversation allowed me an even larger grace period as my dad had pulled all of his Leeds out upon hearing the Dr. recommend he be admitted for observation and an MRI. I was sure he was fine at this point, as he still had his vigor. I mean he had enough still in him to diligently sign away the AMA paperwork. I love this about my dad. He does not waiver from who he is. Never has liked being patient and never will.
That night, I talked to my husband and friend. I kept saying I am not sure if I am heading down there with excuse after excuse after excuse. Like, I mentioned I was not going to answer the door to that awful deep pit in my stomach feeling that was now causing me physical reactions. Funny thing is, I knew I was going, but I could not say that out loud. I needed more time to think, to get things straight in my mind, to take a deep breath and prepare myself.
I am so happy I did. It took me till about 11am the next day to make my final decision. From that point I was moving as fast as a jet plane. We were on the road an hour later. With four kids, this is clearly amazing to me.
If you asked me that afternoon why I was going, I would of shared with you my phone conversation I had had with my mom and listed plenty of reasons why. All of them pertaining to my mother.
Tonight, I can share with you, that I went for myself and my children.
My eldest daughter, Coral turned 12 today!!! My father was the right there watching her emerge into this world, he helped me to raise her for the first years of her life while I still lived with him and my mom. She needed to see him if not more, as much as I did. We needed to see him where he was yesterday and today, we needed to assure him and ourselves that he will rally back some and continue to be apart of creating our memories.
Is my dad in bad shape, yes! Is there a silver lining to all of this that we can all see, yes! It will be time just as the past times needed, but he will heal, I believe he will.